Советы по улучшению эссе для ielts

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спросил от (11.1тыс. баллов)
Буду безумно благодарна, если кто-то уделит время на проверку и даст рекомендации по улучшению навыков письма эссе для IELTS general. Это первая проба. Вижу, что слабовато, но не знаю как над этим поработать. Какую лексику/грамматику подучить? Аргументация слабая или неясная? Some people think that the teenage years are the happiest times of most people’s lives. Others think that adult life brings more happiness, in spite of greater responsibilities. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. It is hard to deny the term of happiness has always been quite controversial. One school of thought is that early years bring the greatest joy of a lifetime, others, however, get much pleasure being adult. While childhood appears to be a more careless period, providing quite an amount of time for preferable activities, my view is that the opportunities adults have, more likely make their dreams come true. The general belief that youth has more advantages is fairly reasonable. One argument is the availability of time, which allows ones to devote themselves to the most pleasurable pastimes, as well as to take up something new, broadening the horizons, or just to have fun hanging out with friends. By and large, it may seem fascinating, however one obvious drawback is that the age provides no chance to do these in a prospective way, due to some financial or parents` restrictions. Though neither of them might be an obstacle in some families. The alternative view supposes that the happiness in adulthood is more likely to be profound. It is particularly because of the freedom of choice proposed in various aspects of life. In other words, it is all about people`s decisions of how much to earn and how much to spend on the entertainment, leisure or other delights, what career dedicate their life to, whether to travel or not. Besides, it is the time people realise the value of life satisfaction and are able and eager to perceive it thoroughly. They, definitely, apreciate the moments of felicity greater. Even the pressing number of responsibilities can`t overweight the merits, as over time people tend to cope with them easier. To summarise, I would say that while being a child may seem the happiest time, the opportunities adults are ussually offered, contribute to the happiness, in spite of the responsibities people have to deal with daily.

6 Ответы

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ответил от (191тыс. баллов)
по-моему неплохо написано, мысль читается, просто грамматический обвес мешает сильно утяжеляет восприятие.
вот эти всякие it is hard to deny , it is particularly, it is all about, it is the time people... они ж даже не мега-умные фразы, что их прямо так много?
предложение начинающееся by and large и prospective way надо переписать.
controversial - у этого слова своеобразный оттенок, подумайте прежде чем его к happiness пристраивать
подсказка - можно порыться в quotes знаменитостей, чтобы обыграть вашу идею о разном понимании счастья
и еще подсказка - почему молодежь считает, что ей веселее живется, чем взрослым? (потому что они еще не взрослые, а мы learn by comparison как говорится)
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ответил от (191тыс. баллов)
Fox, APPARENT is nice

AnnaDavy, фразочки как-то сами вылезли, только it is hard to deny было нарочно поставлено. Спасибо, действительно controversial не тот смысл несет, не смогла больше ничего подобрать, хотелось сказать, что все воспринимают счастье по-своему. Полагаю, что и term не совсем подходит, скорее concept наверное.

Ни сколько конкретно данное эссе важно улучшить, а навык письма. На экзамене, то не известно что может попасться. Понимаю, что скорее всего надо просто побольше практиковаться в письме, набирать полезный словарный запас и наверное стоит посмотреть грамматику для построения сложных красивых предложений, чтобы уйти от различных фраз типа it is ... . Может еще что-то?
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ответил от (191тыс. баллов)
Well, okay, that`s up to you of course. I thought the word sounded much more fancy than "obvious". Anyway, you can also use apparent there, it also sounds a tad better I guess.
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ответил от (191тыс. баллов)
Fox, many thanks for the corrections. I`ll try to take everything into account. I`m just not sure of the use TREMENDOUS, as the drawback is not actually that tremendous, just ordinary, perhaps sort of disappointing.
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ответил от (191тыс. баллов)
A few more:
Though neither of them might be an obstacle in some families. -- You just destroyed all your reasoning on #1.
greatest joy of a lifetime -- zero article needed
which allows THE YOUNG to devote
youth has more advantages -- is more advantageous
have fun hanging out with friends -- a glaring stylistic disagreement
it is all about people`s decisions -- it RATHER CONCERNS MATURE people`s
perceive it thoroughly -- I suppose "thoroughly" implies intentional effort, while "perceive" doesn`t. It`s like "to see it actively", sort of a disagreement I suppose.
the opportunities adults are ussually offered, contribute to the happiness... While one is thought to be good, the other is not bad either...where is your conclusion? What is your own choice? Just one or the other, not somewhere in between them.

Something like that.

P.S. I`m terrified of making the 3rd pass as it can completely destroy your thing and replace it with mine
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ответил от (191тыс. баллов)
my PERSPECTIVE is that the opportunities adults FAVOR, ARE more likely TO make their dreams come true COMPARED TO THOSE OF CHILDREN.

however, one TREMENDOUS drawback is that

The alternative view IMPLIES that the happiness in adulthood

in spite of the BURDEN OF responsibitY people have to deal with daily

Чисто лексику почикал, чтоб покучерявее стало. В формате и других чисто экзаменационных примочках я ни бум бум.
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