Как улучшить эссе?

Question

Ребята, всем привет! Скоро сдаю IELTS в первый раз. Если с первыми двумя частями всё более менее понятно, то по writing я вовсе не понимаю, на какой балл рассчитывать. Ещё такой вопрос вроде глупый, но нигде информации не нашла. Дают ли лист на writing для черновика или составления плана? Или надо сразу писать на листе с ответами? Буду очень благодарна, если посмотрите, моё эссе, на что нужно обратить внимание и как его улучшить? Some children have friends that can influence them. What do you think parents should do about it? Give your own opinion and examples. In all world parents always worry about their children and want to give children good life. Off course, the right circle of friends is very important for a person, because the children learn not only from teacher or parent, they also learn from their friends. It seems much easier to control child’s connect, when he is less than 7 years old. In this age the child spend most of time with parents or family. Also many children go to the preschool or kindergarten, when they also always have supervision from the teacher. So it is not so hard to limit friendship in this age, if parents think that communication is not good for child. For example, if friend bothers, beats or humiliates. That kind of communication need to be interrupt for good of child. It is more difficult to limit communication, when the child becomes older, between 7 and 12 years. Нe can choose with who he wants to be the friends. So it is important to teach children, that not all people who want to be friends with him, are making it in good intentions. Sometimes, for example, new friends just want to be closer with family’s money. It is very useful knowledge to be able discriminate good people from bad. And then earlier the child learns to choose right friends and then better for him. In particular, let child note, which friends play with him only when he have new toys or only when another friend is not there. Must difficult age from children is age older 12 years. There are many persons who may to suggest him drugs or alcohol. Therefore, parents must talk with children about danger, that brings use of drugs or alcohol in this age. Often teenagers have difficulties in relationships with parents and think that friends more important than parents. So it is important to keep a touch with the child and know with what kind of person the child communicate. In conclusion, parents do not have to limit their children about friend, but parents have to teach children, that it is very important to have a good friend.

Answer 1

newcomer1, Lightning, Благодарю, да, теперь вижу что проблем у меня действительно много( Буду учитывать всё на экзамене)
"Nowadays" очень часто встречаю в образцах хороших эссе, да и многие задания начитаются почему-то именно с этого выражения.
Как говорится, I`ll do my best)

Answer 2

Здравствуйте

Просто несколько мысл...

Nowadays...

Очень информально. Используйте другое слово или фраза, "In modern times," "At the present time," etc.

Some people think that Internet made our lives more comfortable...

You should add the word "the" whenever you use "Internet."

I think there are more pros then cons.

"than"
Но, еще лучше (формальнее):
"Some have a negative attitude towards the Internet. I, however, believe that this development brings more positives than negatives."

With modern communication like Skype or social networks we start less talk face-to-face Internet has many information and media, so people refuse reed newspapers, go to the cinema or theater.

Здесь, я бы написал два предложения, и использовал другой порядок слов:

"We have begun speaking face-to-face less due to modern communication methods such as Skype and social networks. The Internet contains much [more formal than "has many"] information and media, so people refuse to read newspapers, or go to the cinema or theater."

Это довольно трудно предложение (или предложения).

Удачи!

Answer 3

на деле ничего из прочитанного не прилипает в активное пользование(

Так чтобы прилипло, люди годами работают на это, а одной недели до экзамена явно недостаточно.

У вас проблемы с register - e.g. pros and cons - это informal register, contractions - то же самое. Не начинайте предложение с Also, используйте другие linkers
Кроме того, ошибки типа malefactors, stilling, our life, refuse reed, so great opportunity, books, which ever been written, it hard to believe, очень часто не хватает артиклей, и это только то, что на поверхности, что сразу бросается в глаза - это точно вам баллов не добавит
Очень много repetiton и overuse of `we" - постарайтесь писать in a more impersonal style.
Посмотрите разницу между Although и However. Ну и само собой, вокабуляр и предложения синтаксически пока достаточно примитивны.

Answer 4

Читаю каждый день эссе, просто умом понимаю, что это хороший образец, а на деле ничего из прочитанного не прилипает в активное пользование(

Сегодня написала эссе, стараясь следовать замечаниям. Буду рада критике)

The Internet has brought many changes into our day to day life. Nowadays we are doing things such as mailing, contacting, banking and communication much faster. Does this development have more advantages or disadvantages?

Nowadays, we can barely imagine our life without smart technology. Some people think that Internet made our life more comfortable, but others have a negative attitude. I think there are more pros then cons.
On the one hand, Internet brings many problems in our life. With modern communication like Skype or social networks we start less talk face-to-face Internet has many information and media, so people refuse reed newspapers, go to the cinema or theater. It’s shame, but for some people computer replace all activities and live communication. Also, sometimes, the web can be used by malefactors for stilling private information or money. In addition, the web-surfing can be dangerous for children, because they can find inappropriate information or media.
On the other hand, Internet gives us so great opportunity of access to all world knowledge. There are all books, which ever been written and now it is so easy to get access to them. Also with E-mail we can communicate much faster. It hard to believe now, but earlier, the post need about 2 months to deliver letter from USA to Russia. Now it takes less than one second. With internet world become more international and more global. Internet is often saving our time: we cannot going to the bank, but use online banking. We cannot going to the shop, but make order online. We can spend saving time for those activities which we like more.
In conclusion, I believe, that Internet is the greatest invention, which can make our life much easier. Although, we need to use it right way and be careful with our actions online.

Answer 5

Темы лучше берите из кембриджских изданий (past papers, Official Guide to IELTS etc.). Сдавшие часто ошибаются
Почитайте хотя бы sample answers из этих источников, если нет времени сейчас набирать вокабуляр.

Answer 6

Темы обычно беру с последних экзаменов, то, что публикуют сдавшие. Может, они написали так как запомнили)
Спасибо за советы, буду работать над этим.
Экзамен уже в эту субботу, боюсь, что радикально прокачать вокабуляр будет трудно, но буду стараться насколько это возможно.

Answer 7

Возьмите на вооружение также, что с So / And / But предложения лучше не начинать. И поработайте над range of structures - у вас очень примитивные предложения, сложных практически нет. За такие конструкции больше 5 баллов не поставят.

Тема сама по себе странная, на IELTS как-то мало похожа - откуда вы такую взяли?

Ну и кроме того, у вас вокабуляр недостаточно academic. Проштудируйте хотя бы для начала Academic Word List и книгу "Academic Vocabulary In Use" и увидите сами, что и где можно заменить.

Answer 8

Для черновых заметок / плана используйте буклет с заданиями. Но лучше писать сразу на листе с ответами, у вас времени не будет на переписывание начисто.

Спасибо за ответ, да мне буквально нужно несколько тезисов набросать и держать их перед глазами)

All around the world parents worry about their children and want to give their children a good life.
Actually, this is better:
All around the world parents worry about their children and want to give them a good life.

Спасибо за проверку!
"But... as well" возьму на вооружение, действительно смотрится более органично.

Answer 9

All around the world parents worry about their children and want to give their children a good life.

Actually, this is better:

All around the world parents worry about their children and want to give them a good life.

Answer 10

In all world parents always worry about their children and want to give children good life.

All around the world parents worry about their children and want to give their children a good life.
Parents everywhere worry about their children and want to give their children a good life.

"Off course, the right circle of friends is very important for a person, because the children learn not only from teacher or parent, they also learn from their friends."

Off course, the right circle of friends is very important for a person (child?), because the children learn not only from their teachers or parents, they also learn from their friends. but from their friends as well.

Answer 11

Дают ли лист на writing для черновика или составления плана? Или надо сразу писать на листе с ответами?

Для черновых заметок / плана используйте буклет с заданиями. Но лучше писать сразу на листе с ответами, у вас времени не будет на переписывание начисто.